Posts Tagged ‘confidence’

The secret of Happy Children – Steve Biddulph

Thursday, September 24th, 2009

This is a newer book, from the author of ‘raising boys’. That interestingly, my ex banned me from reading ‘raising boys’. Probably as she didn’t agree on the chapter on masterbation (which I would assume there would be on any parent boys book).

I have only read the first chapter so far, and its powerful stuff.

Its about brain washing your kids. It talks about the wrong way, like ‘your an idiot !’ – this demeans kids, lowers their self esteem. They believe their parents. The right way, is positive encouragement, that is realistic and honest – ‘wow – you are getting very strong’.

These ideas seem natural to me. I can’t remember anytime I put down my step son E (now 5, that I lived with for 3 years). His mother, put him down every day, more often when the mother was upset and frustrated, or angry with me (which was always).

I can remember some powerful messages from my parents, but I cant for the life of me, think of even one put down. Perhaps I was lucky to escape if from my parents.

The books talks about lots of it is passed from your parents. And it more often occurs when emotions and tempers are high.

I can remember my ex contstantly threatening E, ‘if you don’t finish your breakfast, you won’t go to school’ (meaning pre school). She never ever, carried out even 1 threat to my memory. She often swore at him. Calling him an idiot. Basically every bad thing in the book, my ex did it.

Now, I am not saying I am a saint. Perhaps its because I was older. Perhaps because my parents didn’t do it to me. Perhaps it was my maternal grandmother’s influence, she always saw the silver lining, and that has been powerful influence on my life. But I gave all the positive enforcement to E I could, like:

– ‘smart idea’

– ‘ was that your idea E ? good idea’

– ‘does anyone have any good ideas how to fix xxxx ?’

– ‘ that was a good idea E. where did that come from ?’ … answers in my brain … ‘wow you must have a smart brain’

– I helped him throw. Kick the soccer ball. I always gave him a good word and a cuddle, after such excersize.

– ‘good throw, you have very strong arms’

The worst I remember from the ex was:

– ‘fuck off’ – shoves E out of the bathroom ‘just leave me alone’

– E slumps on the ground crying whilst playing in a park, we are separated, and I have come to dinner. ‘get off the grounds, stop crying you girl’

– at the restaurant that same evening : ‘if you dont stop crying, and eat your dinner, I’ll take you back to B (natural father), and I’ll leave you there, and I wont come back’

She has kicked this poor kid from pillar to post, and she doesn’t even know it.

I was the best thing in his life. Positive, reasurring, calm, confident. I hope to get back to help him. But its unlikely I can help much, even if I do get time, it was be so small, as to have no chance to counteract the evil that the mother does. I can only hope his natural father does a better job.