Archive for November, 2009

tried some of the love and logic magic today

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

It worked better than expected.

I gave M the choice of cups, organge or blue, and she dithered, eventually choosing blue.

I gave her a choice of chicken or sausages for lunch whilst in coles. I used the packet of chicken legs and packet of sausages. And M got upset, and choice neither. I said ‘Uh Oh, that’s sad, Daddy will choose sausages’. She complained, and sooked, and we just walked away together holding the basket.

I showed M the slightly low fruit bowl, it has 1 peach and 1 apples, and no bananas. She quickly worked out there wasn’t any bananas, and we headed of to coles.

M and I cooked the snags on the bbq, she loves to be held up, and look and talk about the snags cooking.

Funny thing though, she wouldn’t eat the snag. So I said ‘Oh oh, that’s sad, the sausage is going away’. And I put it on the bench out of site. I continued to eat mine, and she asked for it back. Cool …. I gave it back, and she ate the whole thing. Ask for a banana, played with it, and didn’t eat any. I said ‘oh oo, that’s sad, the banana is goign away’, and it went to the bench and back in no time, and she ate most of a HUGE banana.

I gave her other choices, when playing, where to stick the photo on the fridge (but I always gave her that choice).

I even remembered to comment on that she likes drawing, and there was something else (I can’t remember just now).

I also used some of the PPP quality time, 30 second stuff. When M came to me a few times, I stopped what I was doing, and attended to her instantly, she seemed happy, and went on to play.

Noticing without judging

Monday, November 23rd, 2009

This was an interesting thing (chapter 3)

Notice some of the things your child really likes, and no ‘that’s great’ on the end.

“wow, I noticed you really like to eat chicken legs.”

“I noticed you really like drawing.”

Its simple, even though I notice all these things, and perhaps I talk about them to the parents around, I don’t generally say it to M. I’ll try to start that tomorrow.

I am also going to try to start some choices tomorrow. Perhaps sausages or chicken. Or blue cup or green cup.

Trust Cycle

Monday, November 23rd, 2009

Chapter 3 talks about the trust cycle.

Its about meeting kids basic needs in their first 2 years, feeding, changing nappy, cuddling, smiling, holding etc.

When they get these things, they feel good about themselves, and the people around them. They learn they are good, the people around them are good, and the world is good. They learn to trust their carers, people and the world.

I guess my daughter is at the edge of this. I hope her mother and I did a good job of this. I really only had 9 months to help my daughter like that. But my memory of it was I was always right onto things. I changed her every morning. I got up to her every night if she cried. I talked to her, cuddled her, tickled her. I really love her.

Love and Logic Magic

Sunday, November 22nd, 2009

Just sarted reading ‘Love and Logic Magic’ by Fay and Fay.

Its it a fascinating, engaging and insightful read. The forward even says its written to be fun to read, and it really is a joy.

It focusses in on the concept of self, and trying to help develop your child’s concept of self.

We are trying to invest in M’s self. We want to make small deposits everyday for her self.

Scalding, or degrading comments, or raised voices close down your child, so they can’t learn and don’t listen, as its all about the anger. We can’t really you this approach to help M.

We want to maintain the firm limits, and reinforce them, without raised voices.

The idea is to give choices, and control over to M when we can. This builds self for M. ‘Do you want bannana or no bannana ?’, ‘do you want a hug, or no hug ?’, ‘do you want to play with your doll or read a book?’. Lot’s of choices that give control over, in situations that don’t overly effect me.

When occasionally we need control back, we make a ‘withdrawal’ from our investment and say, ‘you have had a lots of choices today, not its my turn, its time for bed.’.

The other concept is learning. Let themĀ  make the mistakes, and learn. Don’t save M all the time. If she makes small mistakes now, and can learn from them, its great at building self and wisdom.

The book says on page 20, that this image of self is mostly built before they are 6. So its NOW that is important to M that I help her, not in 5 years, its NOW, between 2 & 6. Page 20 talks about the evils of the world, and how to help protect teenagers (drugs, alcohol, sex ). It isn’t strict rules, it building up their self early on, so they can make their own good choices. I am there, I am all for building up a foundation of values and self. M needs to love herself, he health, her body, her mind. She needs to believe in the good things in life, and that she is deserving. When poor choices are presented, her good self needs to assert itself, understand there is a choice, and make the choice that best fits her self.

Its NOW that I help her to inoculate against the harsh realities and poor choices in life.

A few summary boxes from Chapter 1:

Build High Self

* empathy, understanding, and unconditional love
* allow M to struggle, and make her own decisions
* encourage M to learn to succeed through personal thinking and learning

Share the Control

* small deposits, many times a day

Empathy and consequences

* relate to M with empathy
* let M learn through consequences

Share the thinking

Four Powerful Actions

1. raise M to feel good about herself
2. develop a strong bond of love and trust
3. allow M to make plenty of mistakes and learn from them
4. give M plenty of practice thinking and solving problems.

Just finished reading Dad’s place – a new guide for Fathers after Divorce

Sunday, November 22nd, 2009

Its by Jill Burret.

Its a little fatalistic in terms of a father’s role after divorce. Saying the mother is bringing up the child, and giving the values and lessons. And the father is more of a taker, and has little influence.

I think in some regards its reality. I has good ideas about adjusting to that reality. Not trying to change the mother’s mind on topics. Not even trying to make your point, as it wont be listened too.

It focusses a lot on what your motives really are.

It also focusses a lot on the kids, and not putting them in the middle. It has a interesting chapter about not jumping to conclusions about what kids say. Like ‘the new boy friend is mean’ – can really mean a lot of things. Questions the kids isnt going to help. It could be the kids testing your integrity. Even if you say something to the mother, its not going to be acted on. The answer the book proposes is to just listen, and try to pick up on future clues.

The book isn’t clued into the possibility of 50/50 time. So I am not quite so sure of the need to be fatalistic. I am still confident of the court’s support of 50/50 time. But this gives me a livable solution if 50/50 time isn’t granted.

Muddling through feelings and things

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

I just bought a gift set for M (my 2 yr old daughter).

It by Tracey Moroney, it has 4 books and a CD of stories and songs. The books are ‘When I’m Feeling … ” jealous, loved, kind, Angry.

I want to get books that help M to learn about herself, and others around her. It’s easier to buy wiggles books, but they don’t teach as much. Sure the wiggles promote good eating.

But teaching about communication, and how to understand your feelings, and how to communicate them, and how to interact with others around you, now that is the stuff of life.

I went past ‘constant reader’ book shop on the way back from the bank. It’s a lovely shop, with a ‘Kids Corner’. I saw the box set of ‘winnie the pooh’ – and it brought me to tears. I dont think I had this box set, but it seemed sweet, and I could imagine M liking the box, the books, and the stories. I could imagine sitting with her and just taking out a pooh bear book to read.

I saw another ‘dad’ book, it was lovely. It was ‘I spy my dad’ or something similar. I can see a dad mowing, etc etc, and I wonder if I can spy a dad specially for me ….. that really tugged at the heart strings. I miss my daughter and step son ssssooo much ….. I wonder if they miss me ?

I saw a nice little miffy book, she looks at a tree, a beehive, and a house. I guess its developmental helping to talk about the pictures etc.